Still so cold and slow season for photos, boredom setting in. strange the reason i'm bound to this dreadful chilling chicago (responsibility) right now is the only thing keeping me sane and giving me warmth. bill is in hawaii, he writes me everyday of surf and sun and i am so envious of his surroundings... and jealous too. its strange because its not even that i miss him so much and want to be there with him, i just want to be him, there. i wish it was me with a wonderful family and surfing or filming everyday without a care in the world. but i made my choices too. sophie babe and simba were choices, bringing them here was a choice and not wanting to take a vacation without them is a choice i made. silly to love them like they are people when they are just animals, told to me once, and again choices, i chose to make them my family.
i'm not really sure how lj works, always lazy about applications and tools, never really caring about all the neat things these programs can do, just interested in the basic, okhams razor/kiss? have this phone that does so much and all i use it for is to make calls. bill figures out the bells and whistles, i'm not so interested... anyway i got here because i found my name, and finding my name led to memories i thought i had lost, and dwelling on those has replaced some boredom, gave me something to think about i guess besides being so damn cold.
tomorrow is my 35th bday, going out for tapas with friends... i wonder if any relatives remembered, and figure they didn't, wouldn't be the first time. but relatives haven't been family for a long time. alas, woe is me, the orphan, but it isn't like that, i made choices and one of them was to travel. i didn't keep in touch, i was busy seeing the world and they got busy living their lives too, i have a bunch of dogs rescued from costa rica and a used up passport, they have families and houses. i remembered birthdays for awhile, i think they forgot mine first.
i tell myself i can do this, stay here, commit to the plan for success, and 8 months out of the year i'm okay, but this cold is sucking the life out of me. we are all cooped up. the dogs hate the booties i bought, but the salt on the sidewalks sting there little feet and sophie gets so cold, she finally is waring the coat. they love walkies and this weather takes their fun away. they loved to see people and are starved for social interaction, and i know they miss bill too. i didn't even want to make plans to go out tomorrow, wish i could stay home but couldn't get away with it. besides i always have fun and i love my friends here, and excited to go out and not have it about work, although i'm still going to bring the camera, but just a 50mm 1.2, one of my favorite lens of all time, superfast.

Current Mood: indescribable

i always had lots of books about divorce. my parents split when i was 4, i barely remember them living together and as i got older i couldn't even imagine them together. my grandmother used to give me books about divorce, she wanted me to know that i was not alone i guess. i loved to read anyway and would lose myself in books. i loved judy blume, so much that i wanted to be jewish when i was a girl, just so i could imagine myself a character in her stories... i'm not sure the books helped me cope with the divorce of my parents, i'm not sure the divorce was a problem for me, i just don't remember. but sometimes i wonder had they not gotten divorced, my family might have stayed in fla, where i was from. instead we went to ny, where my mom was from. she took us to her hometown and enrolled us in the very same school she went to when she was a girl. i know she wanted to give us her childhood, a happy one and thought going to her childhood home would accomplish that. ny was cold, i remember feeling cold for the first time, nobody liked my brother and i, and i don't remember anybody else not having their dad around. i left ny when i was 18, i went to warm places, hawaii for 8 years, florida for 4, costa rica for 2. now i'm in chicago again and i'm cold and i think about the divorce again.

Tags: family